Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
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*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
What a chick magnet..
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes