If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
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A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.