Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
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I miss this era type of pranks😭
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
True freaking story!
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.