I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
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Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are