I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
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Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
“Huge”.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too