Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
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The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
monday
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought