If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
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(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what