NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
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I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.