Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
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Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background