Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
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got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.