Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
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30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
OMG 🤣🤣
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.