10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
You Might Also Like
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.