Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
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I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
“Sheer Arrogance”
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself