[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
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No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
I can’t stop laughing at this
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up