MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
You Might Also Like
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine