[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
You Might Also Like
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Well well well…
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.