just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
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“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
*skinny dips into black hole
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.