Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
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I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Do not go gentle into that good night,
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Whisper out to librarians!
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.