her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
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I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges