*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
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[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.