Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
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Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)