No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
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Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.