When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
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I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Stick it to the man
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
12. I think about this all the damn time
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture