My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
You Might Also Like
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system