I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
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me as a parent
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.