I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
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holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I love the honesty
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.