I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
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HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.