The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
You Might Also Like
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”