Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
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If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??