No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
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Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.