“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
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I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.