A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
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Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
how much for the angry fruit?
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
respect
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.