There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
You Might Also Like
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Me checking my bank balance online.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Good point.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”