HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
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Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt