I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
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If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”