Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
You Might Also Like
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Yup….perfect score!
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
They must have gotten it to go.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.