If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
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That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.