Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
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Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I’m listening
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
me and the Superbowl rn
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.