The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
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Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life