an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
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{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
FRED: right
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Cheers Twitter.