In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
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As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”