flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
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Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Very good news from my accountant
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
AM I BEING GASLIT????
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons