On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
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[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….