I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
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Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog