Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
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Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.