I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
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Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.