yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
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honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
From Facebook just now…
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned