*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
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(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy