I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
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I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
those birds must be on payroll
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.