Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
You Might Also Like
I unironically love this joke.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Only Americans understand
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*